POETRY PORN: [LORRAINE BAKE ME ANOTHER CAKE!]

LORRAINE BAKE ME ANOTHER CAKE

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You’ve got a whole industry based on codependent shit
You’ve got a whole culture based on being a bitch
Take your 10 plaid shirts and suck my dick
Your kind makes the world go sick

How much money can you make on the back of poor relationships
How much drivel can you spout from this mornings tits
How many more people will buy a pill that gives you the shits
This is our national television and we’re all stuck to it

I don’t want to think for myself
I just want a baby
A love slave a gimp dog
A lovely Chinese lady
Something to forget that I’m just really fucking lazy
I can’t take my privilege so TV makes me hazy

[Lorraine bake me another cake bake me another cake
Lorraine bake me another cake bake me another cake
Lorraine give me a fucking rake I need some drugs to take
My life’s so straight because of you fucks sake!]

Do you all want to be like Holly Willoughby Yes
Do you all want to live on a pre-fabricated set
Do you all want Philip Schofields orange fucking face
Closeted shit role model putting people in their place

Well Philip fuck off with your cuntservative agenda
Why don’t you go and smash yourself up on a bloody bender
Your not even full fat sugar more like Splenda
I would rather climb back up inside with the placenta

Put me back inside my mum
Put me back inside
Don’t want this white shit I’d much rather hide
So take your national television and shove it up your munt
This TV on the wall is full of cunts

Lorraine bake me another cake bake me another cake
Lorraine bake me another cake bake me another cake
Lorraine give me a fucking rake I need some drugs to take
My life’s so straight because of you fucks sake!

Written by Ted Rogers “Artpornblog”

xXx

 

EVENT PORN: [TOO BLACK TOO QUEER]

TOO BLACK TOO QUEER

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Tonight I attended, “Too Black Too Queer”, an event which is part of the Brixton Reel film festival and celebrates Queer Experience and mental wellbeing of Queer People of Colour.

As one of the performers aptly pointed out, this is essentially an event celebrating minorities within minorities, and several of the performers expressed how grateful they were for such a space.

The night kicked off with screenings of 6 film shorts all exploring the themes of the night and were followed with cabaret performances from a VIP Drag artist, Poets, Grime Artists, Singers, and non-binary-new-wave-future-goth-warrior-wordsmiths.

The diverse array of acts was ultra-refreshing and to see such established and typically straight male dominated genres of performance such as rap and grime being queered, was all the more exhilarating.

My personal favourites of the night were – “Travis Alabanza” who poured hyper sharp truths from their blue lips to bass and beats, all whilst having a humorous dialogue with God about black gay love and speaking of their experience of racists in the bedroom.

And “Karnage Kills”, the final act, who tore the stage to pieces with their ridiculously quick and sick, original queer grime and Stormzy remixes; citing heartbreak, shit opinions from people who think they know stuff, and self affirmation. Karnage was carnage in all the best ways – a stunning gender mash of fury and clarity spitting on fleek!!

I was truly blown away by this finish of the night and left the venue physically buzzing.

I hadn’t forgotten some of the quieter performances however, and I was particularly taken by the vulnerability of peoples words. I do not have experience of being a person of colour but I do have experience of being queer and of suffering with mental health illness and I was humbled and gained so much from hearing everyones experience on all fronts.

Further to this, there was plenty of information given as to where assistance could be received if someone is currently suffering from mental health difficulties as well as a reassuring emphasis placed on looking out for one another.

So not only was “Too Black Too Queer”, a powerful performance and film night, it was also a queer family gathering celebrating togetherness and promoting care without stigma.

I feet privileged to have been a guest at such an event and would highly recommend it to anyone and everyone.

If you missed it this year, catch it next year!!

DO IT!

Written and recommended by Ted Rogers “Artpornblog”

xXx

POETRY PORN: [DRUNK PEEPOL]

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DRUNK PEEPOL

Look at you
Silly bitch
Turn into a sinking witch
Drink yourself dizzy
Pouring soda to make it fizzy in your sippy cup
Why can you do that when I’m
here sober thinking what the fuck

Talk about a legal high
Talk about about a pig sty
Thighs slap knees up knickers down
Frown raising beverage crown
Drowning in your own sick
That’s the shit

Mmm

Tasty
Pasty skin
Waisty not so thin anymore
Hasty got no time for thoughts
That’s a bit much
Shallow waters British daughters
Don’t go too deep
We can’t bare to tweet a tweet unless it’s a cheap ounce of pounding
Capitol japseye sounding
Ouchy ouch
Couch slouch vouchers
2 for one meal
Oatmeal comes back up
I can see what you ate you sick fuck
Your dick suck ability
Is thrilling me to see what a catastrophe your pilly willy is
Your business is crashing
The floor is flashing
Mashing mashup fuck stuck
Your face hits the floor like a hockey puck
Oh the luck

You’re having

I can see the paper hanging off your foot
Take your tootsies
Footsies not cute
For a drinking brute
Shoot yourself
Lyfs not werth it
Gherkin splurt it
Drunken hurt it
Worst bit worst bits over
Loner loner can’t get a boner
Don’t know about you but I think I’d rather be sober.

Written by Ted Rogers “Artpornblog”

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THOUGHT PORN: MY DREAM CHARITY

WHERE ARE YOU?

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Artpornblog is holding a poetry night at “The Ace Hotel”, in order to raise support and awareness for Aspergers and Autism. I have been searching for a charity which I could raise some money for and donate to, but I am struggling to find one which doesn’t perpetuate the stereotypes and stigma linked to being “disordered” or somehow “treatable”, like I have a “condition”.

This is a problem I have come across for many years with charities, institutions and help schemes alike, whom I believe have all the best intentions, yet when I’m looking for help, researching, reading or tapping into these services, I feel like I’m somehow really sick; much sicker than I really am and am not finding the solutions or help which I have found in small chunks from more unlikely commercial or free life sources, (nightclubs and nature).

So I’ve written a Wishlist of how my dream charity may look/feel/be. I hope it is a kind critique and multiversal ask which may exist or otherwise one day come into fruition, either from myself or somewhere/someone else.

MY DREAM (ASPERGERS (insert “said disorder” here)) CHARITY:

  • Would Listen Fully without Judgement/Labels.
  • Would be run by (Aspergers) people for (Aspergers) people.
  • Would not patronise, set or act upon a perceived social hierarchy.
  • Would not consider me “disordered” or having a “condition” that can be “treated”.
  • It would instead consider me a human “mirror” to the society we are supposed to be amongst but are so often tossed to the side of or medicated out of sight because we are “disordered”, (my order is fine thank-you)!
  • It would empower us to aim for TRUE equality and respectful treatment within society and consider our needs as much as it currently considers it’s own without deeming our needs as “special” or needing “extra” attention, and then feeling like it doesn’t have to care because of those reasons. We are not “special and different”, we are just NOT the same as the majority. And we ARE worth as much as everything else in this multiverse; and yes in order to reach the treatment which represents this worth, social change and time and extended levels of care may need to be implemented to restore this balance.
  • Would not be based around “The idealistic conservative white British family model”, prioritising “mothers” and “children”!! It would consider EVERYONE’s relationship structure as much as it considers the normative majority ideal. It would help all people whom seek it! It would publish literature which is relatable for all of these people!! It would be useful and desirable to those seeking help. It could even help those who do not “suffer” from said “condition” but could benefit from the knowledge of these peoples struggle in achieving equality in a currently oppressive social/economic structural climate.
  • It would not gender, racialize, ageify, sexify, religisize, creedilize, economi, classitize.
  • It would, however, consider all of these labels which society boxes people in when analysing a “sufferers”, place and struggle in attempting to assimilate themselves into a normative society, and then instead of “treating” sufferers, this is the point in which it could use the experience of such people to adjust and deconstruct currently damaging and non-love based, obstructive parts and behaviours within the societal norm and work to rebuild them with this new experience and knowledge which it has fully listened, understood and engaged with.
  • Would encourage creative practice and social change!
  • It would not, look/sound/smell like a charity! It would feel as accessible and relatable as McDonalds, Tesco, Sony, Costa, Wholefoods, Poundland, Paks, The Corner Shop, The Nail Bar, anywhere which you would gladly walk into without stigma and receive a service, therapy, catharsis and needs meeting. (Take note on how “Dean Street Express” has been so successful in this light).
  • It would build light, It would not cast shadows.
  • It would be supported by a caring government which works for the most people possible, based on love, not destruction and oppression and capitalism, whom treat people as members of a society instead of minions in it’s global corporation.
  • It would listen.

 

Now I understand I am projecting a personal ideal.  I am truly grateful for the work of current charities and support organisations, but I am 24, queer, high-functioning aspergers, am of a white middle class background and live in a so called civilised 1st world country, yet still struggle daily to be understood, treated with as much worth as others and find my route in life to be independent financially and to turn my mental contributions into a useful reality which can benefit myself and others.

I guess this article is my start…

So please Multiverse, what can we do? Who is out there? Is this already being done? How can I be aware of such work?

Let’s do it!

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Asked for and written by Ted Rogers “Artpornblog”

xXx

SHOP PORN: [HALAL SHOP MARGATE]

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So yes, Margate is now a booming hub of Hackney-on-sea wonderfulness: health foods, record shops, yoga studios and Monmouth coffee galore, which is all great.

Sadly, current big name press is using the emergence of these new places to create “Hipster Hate”, and divisions; but if you actually come and spend some time in Margate you’ll realise that this is mostly just press and the self-serving agendas of their writers causing this divide.

What is important, however, is to not forget what already existed in Northdown Road which made it so appealing in the first place to many of it’s new residents.

One of the best shops on Northdown Road is definitely the Halal Shop, next to the Premier, (which has a free cash point just outside), jus’ so ya know.

From the outside it just looks like an off license, (bar the big HALAL decal on the window) – but inside it is a wondrous cavern of spices, teas, grains and the most incredibly zesty Bangladeshi lemons! Further to this they have a huge fuckoff secret freezer room in the back which is host to the most vibrant scotch bonnet and birds eye chillies, celeriac and chunky organic carrots, not to forget huge buckets of yoghurt and peanut butter.

And if fresh produce isn’t your vibe you can still pick up a “Big Baby Pop”, from the counter on your way out!

And all this probably for like £2.30, or maybe £3.13, depends on who’s in that day and what they feel like charging you. But it’s gonna be pretty affordable! You can find £3 from picking pennies off the street for a couple of hours.

Let us not forget why many of us came here. Fuck the big press! We like a good coffee and a record, but we also like human interaction and making friends with the people over the counter. And especially when your weeks worth of veg is under a Fiver!

So get to the Halal shop, buy a Lemon. It’s a proper good shout!

Written and Recommended by Ted Rogers “Artpornblog”

xXx

RANT PORN: [“ALTERNATIVE”]

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YOU FUCKING WHAT?!

WHO ARE YOU CALLING ALTERNATIVE?! ALTERNATIVE TO WHAT?!

NOW THERE ARE TWO MAIN VERSIONS OF THIS WORD BUT WE KNOW HOW IT FEELS WHEN SOMEONE SAYS IT WITH THAT SHADY, HEIRARCHY RIDDEN TONE.

I AM NOT ALTERNATIVE, I AM NOT OTHER, I AM NOT DIFFERENT FROM YOU! WE MAY WELL BE DIFFERENT FROM ONE ANOTHER BUT THAT TAKES THE BOTH OF US TO DIFFER. NOT AN ACCUSATORY ONE PERSON SOMEHOW BEING DIFFERENT SUGGESTING THAT ONE IS SOMEHOW MORE NORMAL, MORE RIGHT AND BETTER THAN THE OTHER.

YES YOU MAY BE BETTER AT CONFORMING TO SOCIAL NORMS THAN ME BUT IT’S TIME TO CHECK YOURSELF ON WHICH OF THOSE THINGS ARE ACTUALLY USEFUL AND LOVING IN OUR WORLD AND WHICH ONES ARE DAMAGING, LAZY AND HATEFUL!

YOU MAY SEE ME AND OTHERS AS ALTERNATIVE TO YOU. THEY MAY BE “AN ALTERNATIVE”, BUT PERHAPS THEY ARE THE ONES WHO HAVE IT A LITTLE MORE RIGHT?! A LITTLE MORE LOVING, A LITTLE MORE PROGRESSIVE AND A LITTLE LESS OPPRESSIVE.

SO GUYRL DO NOT CALL ME MOTHERFUKN ALTERNATIVE!

I’M ALL GOOD WITH WHAT IM DOING THANKS.

MAYBE CHECK YOUR ALTERNATIVES AND ADOPT SOME OF THEM.

BIATCH…

Vented by Ted Rogers “Artpornblog”

xXx

MENTAL HEALTH PORN: [CHEWING FORKS]

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DRUG FREE PRESCRIPTIONS!

Some of us are anxious, all/most of the time. We’ve got busy brains, busy bodies, lots to get done and we’re trying to change our worlds. It’s not a simple stress free process and even if it were we’d find something to panic over.

One solution is to suppress and subsidise these feelings with mind-altering narcotics, this, as effective as it can potentially be, can also lead to LOTS MORE anxiety when your not using them; creating a reliance on such substances, costing dolla and robbing your sanity.

Another solution is something I have found myself doing over and over again. Chewing, fiddling, twiddling, picking, sucking and tapping with plastic straws, toothpicks, swizzle sticks, teaspoons.

It may look odd to an outside observer but you’re probably a bit odd anyways and quite frankly we don’t need to give a fuck what that other person thinks as long as we aren’t harming them or ourselves and we’re proceeding with love.

Straws, sticks and plastic cutlery are usually pretty accessible in public spaces and cost nothing. They are particularly prevalent in bars and “Pret a Manger’s” across the world which is handy if you’re out and about and particularly if you aren’t drinking and everyone else is.

It’s probably NOT a good idea to chew on metal ones so you don’t damage your teeth; and ideally they wouldn’t even be plastic, but made of wood chipping and kale or something but these kinds of things are less readily available ATM, (please can someone invent these thanks ;p).

So instead of drugs, grab yourself a fidget stick of some kind and, like a steam valve on a kettle, let some of the extra out with a bit of fidgeting, and “fuck whatcha heard”, from the people pointing fingers.

Here’s a visual list of chewable, twizzlable items that can help relieve your anxiety…

1. SWIZZLE STICKS:

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2. BAR STRAWS:

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or if you’re feeling fine… (sip straws).

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3. PLASTIC CUTLERY, (mind the prongs though – don’t swallow them),

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4. TOOTH PICKS:

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I’m sure there’s plenty more options out there.

Let me know.

DRUG FREE PRESCRIPTIONS from Ted Rogers “Artpornblog”

xXx

MENTAL HEALTH PORN: [BE DRAMATIC!]

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It’s so very oppressive, middle class and unnecessarily British when people tell you not to have emotions. “Keep calm and carry on?!”, Not only is this a ridiculous thing to ask of an emotional being, (which we all are as human beings), it can also be extremely damaging.

It has been said to me several times by some other humans whom I admire that one must lean into the struggle.

For so long this seemed impossibly scary to me, however, that is exactly why this idea makes sense; acting through fear of the unknown is a pretty consistently useless way of being which leads to procrastination. So why fear the struggle?! Lean into it! Be it, embody it and express it. These are all ways in which we can process what is happening and move through it.

Instead of cowering at the towering mound of shit that faces us, roll in it, be a dog, eat it, dance it, write it and shout it. SHIT SHIT SHIT, I AM THIS PILE OF SHIT!!! And it will slowly but surely disintegrate and become something else, often revealing a gem in the centre which you can keep to help you in the future.

So with this in mind and the fact that being in Edinburgh has significantly cut my summer short by being a murky grey abyss that is the north north; I have had to find ways of moving through emotions as I can feel depression and flatness trickling it’s way into my loins.

I am moving through this by BEING DRAMATIC!

Being the very drama that my brain invents to smack me to the floor and tell me I’m an eternal fuck up who will never achieve their dreams and die desperately unsatisfied.

So…

I thought I would create a sensory based “BE DRAMATIC!” checklist which we can all use and adapt to our own needs to help us through times of melancholy and deep depression. I have frequently found music, colours, dressing and movement to be highly useful and mostly manageable forms of catharsis in times of need…

1. EAT SOMETHING GREEN! – Broccoli is basically witchcraft! It’s protein, it’s fibre, it’s nutrients! It’s low calorie, it’s high energy, cheaper than a prozac and without the increased risk of suicide and long term liver damage.

2. MATCH THE SKY! – Look like a fucking cloud! BE GREY, BE BLUE, BE STORMY AND THUNDEROUS!! BE SWIRLY AND AGGRESSIVE, BE TORN UP AND FALL OUT OF YOUR OWN ASS WITH YOUR OUTFITS!!

3. LISTEN TO “BOBBY VINTON”! – My particular faves being, “Blue Velvet”, “There, I’ve said it again”, and “Tell me why”. Alternatively you could give Roberta Flack’s version of “Killing me softly” a bash on repeat, or go for something a bit less codependent and a tad more cunty like Lou Reed, Patti Smith or Hole.

4. BE DRAMATIC! – Serve some banshee realness: WAIL, RUN, LIFT WEIGHTS LIKE YOUR ON ROIDS, SCREAM AT THE SKY, SHOUT AT THE SEA, CRY RIVERS, STAMP ON MOUNTAINS, and when your all done sit with an ACTUAL pen and paper and write how fucking dramatic your life is like a teenage girl in heartbreak. I dare you! Overcome that masc mask and do something for YOURSELF!

5. BE SELFISH! – Sometimes you have to be selfish, you have to stop people pleasing and trying to give to others and give to yourself. Depression will rob you of all your vitality and resources, so it’s important to constantly stock up and replenish. It is taking me years to master this part but I am getting better at it each year I experience depression. Eat the foods that are good for YOU! Read the books that are good for YOU! Listen to the people who are good for YOU! And write down how YOU want your life to look! DREAM A DREAM, BE A TRAGEDY, COVER YOUR ROOM IN BRING ME THE HORIZON POSTERS, HAVE 3 BATHS A DAY WITH PATCHOULI CANDLES AND HIMALAYAN ROCK SALT, AND MASTURBATE UNTIL YOUR BITS ARE RED.

All of these things are cathartic and don’t involve DRUGS or ALCOHOL. They will not give you a hangover or a comedown or worsen your situation with mind and mood altering quick fixes.

The worst thing that can happen is that you gave it a go.

It is not foolproof and sometimes we can’t get out of bed, but when we can this is what has reduced the risk of bed paralysis for me.

So why not try it?!

Lean into the struggle and BE DRAMATIC!

Written and Recommended by Ted Rogers “Artpornblog”

xXx

All written material is copyright of Ted Rogers “Artpornblog”.

THOUGHT PORN: [I’M A STRIPPER, I’M NOT A PERFORMANCE ARTIST!]

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Photo by Darren Black.

I do many things in life, I explore many areas and disciplines and I span across many boxes. Some would say I have fingers in many pies, I certainly want to taste them all.

But when it comes to one of my favourite things I do, STRIPPING, I find that many people are all too often trying to skip around the word and instead come up with a label to somehow dampen, soften the edges and make Stripping into a more manageable concept for a tame palette.

I have been called a drag queen, a dancer, a host, a freak, a weirdo, a scary monster and an “eugh wtf is that?!”. But the one that I think is most frustrating is the term “Performance Artist”.

The difficulty here is that this may in a literal sense be a fairly accurate term to describe what I and many other strippers do. We perform a form of Art. We question, we provoke, we please and displease and we are aesthetically interesting. Further to this, because I do not present as a “normal”, looking stripper, crossing genders and wearing “non-sexy” and sometimes “scary” items, it must somehow be, “more intellectual”, or “less sleazy” than “normal” strippers? When really I’m just stripping / exotic dancing all the same.

The problem, however, is the social understanding of the term, “Performance Art”, and all the extra baggage that comes with it.

There can be an air of pretence around the phrase; “Performance Art”, is something that can only be understood by “Art” people from “Art” backgrounds and “Art” institutions. It is hierarchied and exclusivized, and sticks it’s nose up at those who don’t relate. It adds excitement and mystery where it is not due and simply leads to disappointment to those expecting me to cake myself with acrylic paint to grunge or to bleed for 900 hours in a gallery space, (all things which are interesting and legitimate also), but are not stripping.

I strip.

I take my clothes off and dance in a sexually provocative way for the pleasure of myself and others.

Most of the time I love it. It fills me with adrenaline, I feel sexy, I feel powerful, I feel desired and I, (even though it earns a lot less than a gender normative stripper), I can make more than a minimum wage doing something I enjoy, all whilst listening to great music and meeting new people.

Like anything that makes one feel this way, it can also be addictive and it requires a strong set of boundaries to make sure you are still doing it for a motivation that spiritually suits you and sometimes we need a break to reset and replenish.

Stripping is sex work. It is making money from your sexual energy and your body. It is an exchange of pleasure and desire and is completely and legitimately just as ok as any other job.

For many queer people, sex work, drag or performance is like the equivalent to a waitressing or reception roll in a corporate environment. The difference is that queer people are not free to be themselves in those environments so they found other ways and means to make enjoyable basic livings.

Most importantly, we should understand that Stripping is not a gutter job; at least not in the context in which I exercise it. It is fine, it is not all of my wildest dreams but it does not destroy me and make me sick like other minimum wage jobs that give zero hours contracts and don’t pay you on lunch breaks and give you late/early/late shift patterns and ask you to constantly lie and disrespect your needs and still you can’t pay your rent let alone buy lunch.

It is OK to be SEXY! Dancing around a pole and undressing IS SEXY; it is not “just for fitness purposes” and we should not have to oppress our sexuality because society has for some reason deemed sex evil and wrong and sordid and backdoor and underground and alternative and nasty.

Being slutty can be fun, it can be healthy, stripping can be cathartic and freeing, it can also be abusive and corrupt but so can all areas of life. It all depends on how you exercise it and who you’re trying to shunt the blame on to. Office jobs exploit and kill too. And it is up to us to take individual responsibility for our actions as much as possible.

And it is therefore OK to call it Stripping!

I am a Stripper.

I make art too. I also write and converse and dance and send emails and eat broccoli and binge on milkshake like every other cunt.

But please can we stop trying to make something socially acceptable with masking terminology that detracts from the core of what something actually is.

I am sexy, I am naked, I am dancing, I am a human.

I have boundaries, I am learning, I am growing and though some people may not respect this and instead of attempting to understand it they instead abuse you with (spanking) = HITTING you, the work is still ok.

But constantly being swayed and diverted from your truth because society can’t cope with it is so frustrating and exhausting. How are we ever supposed to progress if everything is recycled back into the muck of homogenised, capitalistic, hate driven conservativity?!

I AM A STRIPPER, I AM NOT A PERFORMANCE ARTIST!

And ya’ll can deal.

Thought and expressed by Ted Rogers “Artpornblog”

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