Coconut water, It’s fresh, it’s fashionable and it’s fabulous. But only if you get the right one. It seems that you can get coconut water so wrong! Yet they all claim to be just pure coconut water and nothing else.

Here at Artpornblog we gave a few different brands a good going over to see which coconut waters leave you high and which ones leave you gurning.


Brand: Vita Coco

Taste: Old cum!

Thoughts: Vita Coco is possibly the most recognised brand of coconut water in the UK at the moment. It’s available in most supermarkets and off licences, however, it seems that being endorsed by Rihanna doesn’t necessarily make you taste any good. Vita Coco has a somewhat disturbing taste and even when tainted with other sugar filled fruit flavours – which totally void the health benefits of coconut water – still manages to taste like my Nan’s armpit.


Brand: Unoco

Taste: Refreshing Meh

Thoughts: Unoco can be found in some off licences and health food shops in Stoke Newington, but is most consistently found in the urban eating metropolis of “Itsu”.

Somehow, even though Unoco is untainted by any anything (Including heat?!), it appears to have a groovy pink tint reminiscent of mouthwash that only the dentist seems to possess.

Unoco is refreshing and nice, but that’s it, it’s just nice and a bit nothingy. And for the price you are better off just getting actual water.


Brand: Faraon

Taste: Not entirely offensive

Thoughts: Faraon coconut water is one of those ones you buy when there are no other options. It’s midnight, you can only go to the funny little corner shop and the selection is somewhat limited. But this odd little can is there. You hit the fuck it button and give it a go.

Number one it feels weird having any flat drink in a can and number two it has bits in the bottom. However, if you can get over these factors then you may enjoy this one. It’s not great but It’s not awful. That is all.


Brand: Zico

Taste: Adultery

Thoughts: Zico is the sneakiest coconut water of all. It entices you in with it’s awesomely luxurious branding and sleek bottle design. But it tastes like death, warm death, that lingers. DON’T EVER BE FOOLED! Zico has the power to put you off coconut water for life!


Brand: Naked

Taste: E-Cig Liquid

Thoughts: Naked provide a wonderful range of smoothies which taste great and have tons of cool ingredients like garlic and spirulina in them. However, their version of coconut water just tastes like the juice for you e-cig vaporiser… not cool!


Brand: Chi

Taste: Heavens Seed

Thoughts: Chi is the best coconut water you will ever try. It literally changed my entire outlook on this beverage. Not only is the packaging attractive and the name easy to remember, but if you sip it little bits at a time its like licking the icing on an original glazed krispy kreme donut!

Chi is also incredibly refreshing and is available in sizes up to 1 litre which is great for when your really craving a coconut water fix!

Chi gets my vote and until something better comes along we will hail it as the ruler of coconut water.

Artpornblog loves you Chi!

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